Trauma Bonds Explained And How To Cope With Them
The concept of trauma has become more well-understand by the masses. The concept of trauma bonds, however, could use some help. This insidious outcome of trauma still confuses people. It provokes a question like “Why didn’t they just leave?” When confronted with a cycle of abuse, people must create coping mechanisms in order to survive. Not all of these coping skills, of course, are healthy.
We all have a deep-seated need to feel safe with and attached to others. When life does not provide for this need, we find ways to replicate it. Again, this does not mean our choices will be productive. Trauma bonds are definitely counterproductive.
What is a Trauma Bond?
Abuse takes many forms and typically, it leaves the abused person traumatized. Such an outcome can occur in scenarios like:
Romantic relationships
Between a child and their parent or caregivers
Between other family members
In the workplace
Cults and other religious groups
Between a hostage and kidnapper
The victims in these situations desperately try to make sense of the pain. Living as a constant target is harrowing. Thus, their brain can reframe the goings-on to give it an appearance that is less nightmarish. Some being traumatized may start seeing their abuser in a positive light. Left unchecked, this can develop into feeling sympathy and affection for someone who is deliberately causing them pain. Such feelings can be mistaken for love.
How Does a Trauma Bond Happen?
A major player in this process is a neurotransmitter called oxytocin. It’s not called the “love hormone” for no reason. Oxytocin is released in times when bonding is most beneficial, e.g. childbirth, physical intimacy, and more. When we fall in love, the oxytocin kicks into high gear. However, even in a toxic relationship, oxytocin is released if we believe the abuser actually cares for us. In other words, our bodies collaborate with our minds to give the dangerous situation a veneer of security.
How To Cope With Trauma Bonds
It begins with information. Self-education is key but if someone outside of your inner circle could also help, that could be ideal. Learn the signs of trauma bonding and seek help. If it is at all possible, get away from your abuser. In the meantime, here are a few steps you can take:
Be Honest With Yourself
Imagine if you were writing a report about your relationship. Detach yourself and give an honest appraisal of what’s going on. Would you characterize it as healthy? Another option — if you feel safe enough to do so — is to keep a journal. This will keep you rooted in reality. You’ll identify patterns and recognize the need for help.
Do Not Blame Yourself
No one brings abuse to themselves. No one deserves it. It’s time to not recount what you could’ve done differently and instead, do the work to create positive change now.
Talk to Someone You Trust
When you’re in an abusive situation, you may avoid interactions with outsiders. Their concern may upset you. But again, if you feel safe doing so, get that perspective from someone who cares about you. If there’s no one like that in your life, it becomes vital that you make contact with a mental health professional.
You Can Heal From Trauma
In your heart, you know the situation is unhealthy. But how in the world do you change things? For starters, you’ll need help to extricate yourself from a dangerous situation. At the same time, there is trauma to be healed. You will need a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy as a black therapist. In this type of setting, you can heal and recover. Reach out when you are ready.
